8 Rules to Help You Survive Eating out with the Kids

When I was pregnant with my first son, people would always tell my husband and I to go out to eat as much as we could before the baby was born because we wouldn't be eating out at the same kinds of places once we had kids. P-shh-aw, I would think to myself. We are going to train our sweet little angels how to sit quietly in restaurants, and eat whatever we eat, and not drop food on the floor. We are going to be good parents. With good kids. Nice, well-behaved kids. Ha! 

5 years and 2 children later, let's just say my view has changed a bit. It's not that our kids are not good, nice, and well-behaved. They are. Well, mostly. But they are not Nobu-nice. Or Volt-nice. Sometimes they are not even TGIFriday's-nice. Still, we love to eat out, so we persevere. And over the past few years, we've figured out what it takes to have a good meal out that we can all enjoy. They're still not ready for Nobu, but that's what babysitters are for, right?

Rule #1: Check your shame at the door

In case you have any shame left, after lying with your feet up in stirrups for 14 hours straight while any variety of strangers and family members walked by, let it go. Your kid isn't the first one to throw a fit in a restaurant. If I can survive my two-year-old pooping (yep, right out of the diaper) and peeing on the middle of a restaurant floor while dozens of restaurant patrons looked on, you can too.

Rule #2: Noise is your friend

You may have once enjoyed romantic dinners with your spouse in quiet, candle-lit restaurants. Not anymore. The more background noise, the better. Clattering dishes, poor sound-proofing, rude waitresses...all these noises will help mask the sound of your own child throwing his dish full of buttery noodles on the floor while he screams at the top of his lungs that he did NOT want cheese on it, even though he said he did when you placed the order 5 minutes before.

Rule #3: The early bird catches the worm

Your favorite restaurant only has an 8pm seating available? Forget it. You're eating on the early-bird special for the next few years. Eating at 5pm may seem lame when you're 25, but it's the absolute best time to eat out when you've got kids in tow. The restaurants are empty at this time of day which means your waiter will be more tolerant of your special requests and mess. Plus there's an added bonus - the other grandmas and grandpas eating at the same time as you will ooh and ahh over your kids, making you feel like they are actually welcome at the restaurant. A feeling you will NOT have if you go to the same place at 8pm with all the singletons and newly marrieds on dates glaring and rolling their eyes at you and your precious bundle of joy. 

Rule #4: BYOF (Bring Your Own Food)

When you go out to eat at 5pm, chances are, you won't wait for a table. But if you do have to wait a little too long for the food to come, don't be caught without a snack. "But he won't eat his dinner!" you say. So what? Is a hunger-induced temper tantrum worth that risk? I didn't think so. I get super cranky when I'm hungry, and if it was socially acceptable for me to throw a tantrum when my food didn't come fast enough, I would. So stash some pretzels in your purse. Everyone will be happier.

Rule #5: Charge your cellphone

I understand that when you have your first child, you will resist the lure of technology for as long as you can. I've been there. When my son was 6 months old and we were out to eat with him, I clearly remember judging a nearby family for their portable DVD player which the 2 year-old was glued to like a zombie. Now, after two kids, it's a whole different story. Their brains won't rot after 1 hour on a screen and there are plenty of educational videos (our kids love LeapFrog's Alphabet Adventure) and apps out there. Of course, they could also become experts at every type of Angry Birds game ever made like my kids. Either way, you'll get a nice, quiet meal, and the kids just may learn something. Win-win.

Rule #6: Have an escape plan

In the beginning, my hard and fast rule was to only eat at places where we could escape with a moments notice. That meant, order at the counter, no slow-poke waiter bringing a check to rely on. If it got bad enough, I could always pick up the screaming kids and run out the door. Now they're a bit older, and I'm a bit bolder, so we go to more full service restaurants. I am always more comfortable, though, when I've got plenty of cash on hand to throw on the table instead of waiting for that credit card machine that will most likely pick that day to stop working.

Rule #7: A little bribery never hurt anyone

I'm sure there are dozens of parenting books that will disagree with me on this, but I don't care. Bribery works, people. It works with Santa, and it works with going out to eat too. You'd be surprised how much good behavior you can get with the promise of a few m&m's or a stop for frozen yogurt.

Rule #8: Find yourself a good babysitter

No matter how prepared you are, or how well behaved your kids are, there are just some restaurants you won't be able to bring them to. And that's okay. It's hard to find a good babysitter that you trust, but it is so worth the time and stress, I promise. Everyone deserves a night out alone once in awhile. So ask your friends, scour the neighborhood for responsible teenage girls, or join a sitter finding service if nothing else works. Then pick up the phone and make those reservations at the restaurant that has a 3 month wait. It will make all the meals in between a little more bearable.

Bon Appetit!